Empatia (em-pah-tee-a)
Italian for empathy
n. A focus of mind
and opening of heart
to what matters most in
ourselves and others

TERMS

General Terms

Empathy

Empathy is a process that we can direct towards ourselves, or other people. In either case, it is an experience that involves our mind, heart and body. It connects one person to another through an understanding of what the other person is experiencing Once considered the province of psychologists and those involved in charity, EMPATIA see empathy as a fundamental life skill that brings constructive results in all dimensions of life: personal, professional and even political.

Empathy is that process of connecting with human experience – thoughts, feelings, and needs and fundamentally distinct from the experience of sympathy. Sympathy is connection on an emotional level, but does not have the same intellectual component of an awareness of needs. For that reason, sympathy, however sweet, can also lead to impasse. Empathy, by contrast, moves through emotion to the underlying needs where the potential for resolution lies. Often we avoid emotions, for fear that we will get stuck in them. With empathy, we use emotions for their potential to move us to the deeper awareness of needs and values that have such constructive power.

Empathy can be a silent process or spoken. When spoken, it is a verbal inquiry, a question or guess, into human experience. It is iterative, in that the initial questions begin at the surface of experience and then access progressively deeper levels. For example, what may at first appear as a need for financial security may, with empathic reflection, surface as a need to be valued, or the need for hope or meaning. Empathy has two immediate effects; it generates calm, and this allows us to connect with our goals. In this way it brings both peace and effectiveness into the room.

Empathic connection is felt in our bodies. It feels good. When empathic connection is made, we feel a shift in the energy or mood in the room, Our breathing slows and the tone in our voice shifts. This energetic shift is how we know that empathic connection has happened. Our work is distinctive in that we facilitate this shift before generating strategies for solution so that the resolution process comes from this peaceful, constructive, collaborative energy and intent.

An important component of the development of empathic skills is the learning of a vocabulary of both common human emotions and needs. Our classes, workshops and coaching services are all focused on the development of an effective vocabulary of emotions and underlying needs and values. Happily, both self – empathy and empathy for others are mutually supportive processes and each brings facility with the words that work

Universal Needs
(aka needs, human needs, basic human needs, values)

We’re all unique and yet there are some human qualities that are common to everyone. These universal qualities, our common humanity, are both invisible and self evident. Psychologists and economists often refer to these motivations as needs – such as the needs for safety, community, meaning, and authenticity. In other disciplines, they may be called values, motivations or goals. In our work, we use these terms interchangeably, but principally refer to these qualities as needs. Because of their universality, some think of needs as having a spiritual dimension – others look to physics and biology for an understanding of their vibrational properties and capacity to attract intended outcomes. We welcome all perspectives – and share in their appreciation for the constructive capacity within us all. Notwithstanding the negative connotation to the word “needs,” we envision these qualities as the source of our nobility and grace as human beings.

We recognize a full complement of basic needs. In addition to the physical needs of air, water, nourishment, touch, sex, warmth, light, rest, and safety, we also embrace the emotional and spiritual needs such as respect, autonomy, expression, celebration and mourning, meaning, integrity, creativity, to know that I matter, trust, balance, equanimity, clarity, making a difference, self-care, etc. Our work is based upon an understanding that every action we take is for the purpose of meeting one or more of our basic human needs.

A key element of our approach is the distinction that we make between needs and the strategies that people adopt to meet those needs. The positions and strategies of people in conflict are a combination of their needs, their strategies, their interpretations, and demands. A principle feature of our work is sifting through these elements to isolate and articulate the common human needs and values that are the source of resolution.

Self-Empathy

This is about being in touch with myself, both for the purpose of bringing calm, but also for the purpose of connecting with my goals and intentions. What happened that stimulated an emotional response? What feelings am I experiencing?? Which of my needs are calling out to me in this situation? What is really important to me? What am I hoping someone else might be willing to do, or what am I wanting to do for myself?

Skills

The following is a list of some of the skills that comprise the dance of empathy:

Translating negative judgments and generalization into an observation
Identifying feelings that are free from implication of blame
Translating judgments and pain into the underlying unmet needs
Self-empathy – connecting with one’s own feelings and needs
Empathizing with another by guessing their feelings and needs
The ability to distinguish strategies from needs
Dissolving enemy images with empathy
Recognizing grief and the need to mourn
Using celebration as a learning process
Generating energy with gratitude
Making requests that increase connection and clarify what would satisfy
Reflecting the feelings and needs of others once they have been expressed
Transparency – expressing ones own feelings and needs
Knowing when to give emergency empathy
Hearing and translating without agreeing or disagreeing
Ability to withstand illogic and stay with feelings and needs
Translate suggested strategies so they are do-able and measurable
Tracking (keeping track) within a mediation

Results

If you are a conflict resolution professional:

Enhance the frequency and depth of resolution
Increase the profitability of your practice by offering a greater range of services
Attract the types of clients that fit your working style
Decrease stress; and do the work you love

If you are an executive or manager

Melt resentment in yourself and others
Avoid pay backs and unpleasant surprises
Enjoy a team of people who are willingly engaged in what they're doing
Quickly resolve new conflicts as they arise
Untangle old conflicts that have dragged on and on

If you are In transition or conflict

Generate understanding and respect
Make choices that take care of yourself and have others support you in so doing
Enjoy it when others tell you "No!"
Have clarity about what you want
Have clarity about what others want
Find new supplies of energy and vitality

"I requested this as a team-building opportunity, and it served that purpose very well. It was also a lifeline for me in addressing the problems in my marriage." --judge

"I've been able to use these new tools already to help me in my life, to stop stressing so much, to listen and not take ownership of others' problems." --accountant

"I would recommend this to people in any career. I'm so glad I participated! This material is relevant personally and professionally." --school director

"This class gave me a better outlook on dealing with people. It was TOTALLY different than I expected! I would recommend it to my entire staff." --sergeant at county jail

Nonviolent Communication

Our work is based on Nonviolent Communication SM as presented by Marshall Rosenberg in his book "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life". Nonviolent Communication has been used for over 40 years on 5 continents to transform conflict and bring harmony to schools, families and communities. You can learn more about Nonviolent Communication at cnvc.org.